Here are my tips to surviving the monthly struggles involved in SHEDDING YOUR UTERUS.
1. Tampons
Pads are bullshit. The only thing they are good for is a second line of defence. I know a lot of your mothers will be like "you are too young for these". Um no. You are too young for public humiliation. I remember overhearing a girl at school telling her friends that she had just started using tampons and one of her friends was like "omg...how do you put it in there? I am way too scared!" And the other girl just goes "You need to just SHOVE IT UP THERE".
I remember when I first started using tampons I didn't stick it in far enough. You shouldn't actually be able to notice you have it in there if you have inserted it properly. I would walk around very uncomfortable and at the same time continued to try and convince myself "it's so you don't have to wear pads, YOU ARE A WOMAN NOW SARAH" and part of me was like "WHAT IF MY VAGINA IS THE WRONG SHAPE!?"
The ones that come with the applicators never made sense to me so I never used them. The best advice I can give is to practice? Use vaseline if you have to. But only whilst practicing because the vaseline prevents it from being able to absorb. Seriously. Like that girl said. Just shove it up there.
Also, probably start off with the mini tampons. Then as you grow older you can make your way up to the super mother truckers.
Is this too much information yet?
2. Zip Lock Bags
These will be your best friend when you go to sleepovers or school camp etc.
To be brutally honest, which is what I have been doing on these blogs lately, used pads and tampons develop a smell. It is not good. It is the rotting flesh of your insides.
Yes.
So these little baggies can hide the smell and protect your bag from getting messy...
I am being a good friend right now in mentioning that you should NEVER TRY AND FLUSH IT DOWN THE TOILET. Can you imagine if you blocked the toilet and you had to get your dad or someone to help you unclog the toilet? Yeh. Don't fucking do that.
Also, the poor fish that have to swim with your tampon.
3. Work out your cycle
Keep a diary each month to see how long your cycle usually goes for and plan accordingly. But you should always have your essentials with you just in case. If you go on the pill, it syncs your period for you so that you know exactly what day each month you will get it. It also controls how much bleeding you have. And shhh, here is a little secret no teacher in sex ed tells you... the pill can allow you to skip your period if you have something special on that month. But I wouldn't do it all the time.
If you don't have a diary, you can get an app for your phone which keeps track for you. Oh the technology! It also keeps track of your monthly symptoms. If you are like me, you might get a breakout every month. Or cramps the day before it begins. Or if you are very unlucky, you could get them all the way through and be lying on the floor wanting to die. Or gas. That's a fun one.
4. Ibuprofen and hot water bottles
You are welcome.
5. Be on the lookout for mood swings
Okay, you probably didn't need to have a breakdown when your boyfriend didn't send you a good morning message. Pull yourself together woman. And for gods sake don't tell him it was due to your period.
There have been countless times after an argument where I have finally taken a breath and realised that I was so obviously in the wrong. Do you know what you do? CONTINUE ON AND FIGHT TO THE DEATH BECAUSE I'LL BE DAMNED IF I ADMIT I AM WRONG!
lol. Nah but try to keep calm. Hormones can be good and bad...But be happy! You are fertile!
6. Develop a code word for friends and boyfriends
It may be a bit too much to say "um excuse me, my vagina is leaking".
Just have a casual "yeh...its that time..."
Give them a heads up. They deserve some warning for the week ahead.
I have a friend who likes to say "my uterus is betraying me".
I have many a time rolled around on the floor screaming "MY WOOOOOOMB!"
I like to exaggerate.
7. Opt for pants
Don't be living on the edge with a mini skirt.
Trust Sarah.
Oh and yes. You will look fat. It's just mother natures way of saying. "nah nah nee nah naahhhhh"
8. Learn to embrace it
I am sorry to be the bearer of bad news. But you will probably have this for the next 40ish years.
Best to get used to it now.
And get over the fear of not being able to talk about it. Hello. It is part of being a woman. Like I mentioned before, it is your bodies way of telling you you are capable of growing a human being.
Thats pretty incredible.
I hope you have enjoyed this and didn't shudder too much at the word VAGINA.
VAGINAVAGINAVAGINAVAGINAAAAAAA.
xx Sarah.
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